Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Zero-Rating Dating

before the winged nutcase seeks out your wallet on the pretext of stimulating romance, 14 long days and nights of pressure from the magic Kingdom of Coupledom upon ALL SINGLE PEOPLE everywhere who SHALL BE DEEMED WORTHLESS unless, come Feb 14th, they are seen in the right place with a person of gender appropriate to their sexuality in the annual HERD-INSTINCT mass clinch.

Cupid was hijacked long ago to make money from loneliness, and the nonsensical nature of human attitudes towards love - finding love and falling in love and being in love and being loved - are exposed once a year in a blizzard of single stem roses, restaurant bookings, pink padded cards, threadbare lingerie, alchohol, sweets, and expectations racketed up to the moon, underneath which we are all supposed to pay homage to a chubby little bastard with a bow and arrow and bad eyesight.

Everyone is hung up about this dating business. There's a lot of stupid pressure put on "success" in dating - and what the hell is that when it's at home? It turns love itself (and the pursuit of love) into a competition where success is measured by Richter-scale levels of interest, how much cash was spent, whether favourable sexual activity was achieved, and how enhanced either or both of your status is as a result. I know, I've been researching it, and I will reveal how later. In the same way that a fool and his money is soon parted, a lonely fool and his heart is soon wired up waiting for the surgeon. And yes that can be her heart too, I just wanted to use that traditional gender-imbalanced phrase to MAKE A POINT.

It's alright for you, Deek, nobody said to me, you've FOUND love. But what about the rest of us poor souls, struggling to make a life out here on our ickle own, nobody to hug and kiss and eat chocolate with? Did I say, don't try to get what you want? Did I say, sit down and remain in your cubicle? Did I? Ever? And what do you come up with as a solution? DATING? Time to turn up the heat.

Basically dating is very simple, but made complicated by the mixed messages about love that are perpetrated by our insane culture, gender polarisation, lack of self-esteem.

We should not even use the term. There is a proper word for dating. It's "associating" - that's all you are doing, associating. Hanging out. Because it's nice to do. Insurgents do it all the time, and look how successful they are.

Two clicks away from this very page, lives the Hopeless Romantic. He's a nice guy with a good blog. He has a date he's nervous about. He feels silly. I left him some advice. Go read it. No really, you'll be surprised. I didn't want to sound churlish on his page. He has sweet imaginary girlfriends. The heavy stuff is here. Cupid=Stupid. Remember that, it could save your love life.

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At 10:15 PM, Blogger rae quoth...

*Bah*. I wasn’t going to write about this in my blog, but it seems like there is no escape these days, so I am going to use yours as a forum for my maddness, Deek. I hope you don't mind.

Any of my friends could tell you that I am obviously preoccupied by the subject of love right now – ‘tis the season. This nonsense in inescapable. But that’s not where my problem lies. I *am* frustrated with love and romance – it seems cupid has forsaken me – but that is only the cause of my current problem.

Currently, I am indulging some very questionable feelings that are *probably* a result of my frustration. I won’t dismiss the possibility that they are genuine, because I am trying to be honest with myself. But they haven’t popped up before, which leads me to believe they are false tidings of love.

Anyway, what am I talking about? Well, I have this friend. Oh gawd, there it is. A friend.

He’s wonderful. I’ve always thought so. If he didn’t know I adored him, he should. About 3 weeks ago, I could have told him myself without hesitation. I can’t do that now, because *now* he’s single. And I have had some thoughts…

Ow! It’s difficult to face my own weakness! But it wasn’t always this way. I’m pretty honest with myself, and I can honestly say that being friends with him was never about waiting for him to become single! (I will admit that Matty G. in Uni started out that way, but I silently acknowledged that all along.) Friends with Nick was always just friends with Nick. I got along fabulously with him, and that was it. Others have noticed our rapport, and I think it is the others that have planted the seed in my head. “You get along so well, why don’t you get together?”. Because. I have no good excuse. Just because it didn’t start that way.

If you must know, he is my close friend’s ex-boyf, but she knows we hang out, and has even given me implicit permission, damn her. In fact, *she’s* one of the others! It’s really just pressure from all sides, and now that he’s single, I am feeling really confused. And I always watched Dawnson’s Creek with a pillow handy to throw at the TV whenever Pacey, or Joey, or one of the drones started droning on about being confused. I have never been confused before! Either I liked him, and I didn’t want to admit it, or I didn’t, and I didn’t know how to break his heart.

But I am genuinely confused here, Deek. What I need is some anti-support. Cautionary tales of misery and heartbreak that come with falling in love with a friend. The “When Harry Met Sally Syndrome”. That NEVER works out. There is no such animal in real life, and I would like to save myself some pain and heartache by avoiding the confusion I am now feeling. I don’t want any votes of confidence or misplaced shows of support. I want to kill this thing – nip it in the bud and all that…. I feel like if I keep saying it, and others join in, I might escape this thing. I will NOT fall in love with a friend.

I will not fall in love with a friend.
I will not fall in love with a friend.
I will not fall in love with a friend.
I will not fall in love with a friend.
I will not fall in love with a friend.
I will not fall in love with a friend.
I will not fall in love with a friend.
I will not fall in love with a friend.
I will not fall in love with a friend.
I will not fall in love with a friend.
I will not fall in love with a friend.

Advice, please.

BTW - my new "pad" is not entirely set up, but I have re-joined the blogging revolution.

mac mommy aka rae

At 10:51 PM, Blogger Clayton quoth...

Wow Deek, I am humbled by your deluge of advice. I will have to give you a link back.

At 1:50 AM, Blogger transience quoth...

deek, you give too good advice. too good. you really should run for cupid. i love that you leave your mark all over the place, too. a kindred spirit you are.

At 8:06 AM, Blogger Deek Deekster quoth...

Rae: I don't normally comment in my own comments, but I have to reply here after such an epic.

I remember that you are a passionate, intense Scorpio. Also modest, actually.

Avoid absolutism therefore.

Sounds like you need hugs and kisses and love declarations right now. Why should you not have them?

Friends: I don't have a problem with that. Friendships move through phases. Why not physical/emotional intimacy?

You are allowed to find out.

Should you initiate something romantic/sexual with THIS ONE?

It depends on whether you think he is "the one". Is it immoral or wrong to enter a relationship knowing it may not be forever? No, but just don't kid anyone. If you know that he probably isn't "the one" but you still think him deserving of your love and attention, and fancy his, what is wrong with that? Just don't project and make out he is who he isn't, and you may not then be disappointed when the love affair runs it's course. But you probably will be, in which case, accept it.

And does that mean you shouldn't get involved? Not at all. Just be careful. I am glad that I had relationships that were serious that were not for life, they taught me an awful lot.

OK here's the anti-advice.

I visited my (male) friend in intensive care after he fell for a (female) friend, and it didn't work out, and then smashed himself up in his car, getting away from it all too fast in the rain at night. The tubes emerging from his punctured lung I shall not forget.

But the woman could have come from anywhere in his life... I think it was more about HIS NEED to love and be loved. He would have loved a paint can if nothing else was around.

Look after yourself, I've missed you!


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