My Funky Place In The Scheme Of Things

Five days to go before the mid-month hinge tilts me into theme #3 for 2005, and I can hardly open my iBook for the deluge of email I have received on this exciting topic. I know that you are intelligent, keen, and loyal, but I have been truly flabbergasted by the interest. What will it be? Whither shalt I wander literarily? How can one follow "LOVE" and "PLACES"?

The suspense of wondering what's next is what keeps us all waking up and reaching for minty toothpaste.

There is an election coming and I have been inundated by politicians of all flavours seeking endorsements from this very Blog of Funk, none of whom stand a chance. Of course I will not endorse them, as none of them are sufficiently anarchic, and it was saddening to see the moist eyes and quivering bottom lips on grown men and women in grey suits as I shut the door on them. Charles Kennedy was still there after an hour, so we took him to the pub, but the mean Scots stereotype sod wouldn't stand his round, and demanded whisky from us! Tsk. Does he not know the price of a double Glenfiddich? Does he not understand that this hole in his pub accounting undermines the excellent liberal, progressively social aims of his party?

Several musicians desperate to include me on their new album have been in touch - and I have had to say, No, George, No, Robbie, No, Kylie, even with the magic bum - but I did say yes to Plantlife, whose excellent single "When She Smiles She Lights The Sky" I 100% recommend.

I do enjoy my funky place in the scheme of things, and so does my gorgeous girlfriend, who actually spent last night in a House of Commons bar, before returning in excellent spirits to the purpose of our spectacular existence and the every day story. I do love her very much, and so does my nose, as she is the sweetest smelling person I have ever met. Unlike Charlie K. who smells of whisky and cigarettes and chrysanthemum.
In fact, the only other things seriously lacking in my life are a garden, and llamas. If I had a big garden, I would definitely keep llamas. These intelligent social animals will not move an inch if they are over-loaded. They just won't exhaust themselves for anyone. This quality in them I want to enhance in myself - even though I must say, I already have 90% of it in place - and also, the eyelashes. Plus, they spit. They can even kill! How cool! I may keep several guard-llamas, in case the political door-knocking gets out of hand between now and May, or that monkey-faced excuse for a proper pop star Robbie gets tanked up and comes over to my place demanding to know the reasons I won't break him in America.

As I said to him last time he burned round in a strop, begging for US-friendly funk tunes:

Rob, I'd love to help you out mate,
but I'm loving llamas instead...