Thy World's Fetish Wonders

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It's not often I read junk mail, but this little baby popped up this morning and I had to cast my heathen eye over it.

It's all there, isn't it, in the supermarket of vicarious sex? Plastic film-wrapped pre-washed categorised and available for download from your local Fetish Mega-Site, which has free parking, although from then on, whenever you drive your car, you won't be entirely certain it's actually taking you where you want to go. It could have become a zombie vehicle, the wheel controlled by a kiddie-script, it's direction at the whim of the Great God Spam.

Does anyone remember when spam was canned processed meat of the bright pink, stomach-ache-inducing variety, brother of corned beef, and cousin to Shippam's Fish Paste? Now I rarely give it a second glance, my email program deals enthusiastically with 99% of it, and it's only the fact that a few genuine emails sometimes get caught in the friendly fire that causes me to scan my junkmail folder from time to time, in order to rescue the grains of wheat from the spam chaff.

I started to run through the list in a funky and totally spontaneous mental-ticking-off kind of style... I put some loud reggae music on as I did so, "Legalise It" sang Pete Tosh, in his plaintive, melodious yearning voice, and the itchy rhythm kicked me off, saying Yes to everything I could remember experiencing in time with the music.

"Birds eat it....." Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes "Goats love to play with it" Yes Yes Yes No No Yes Yes - "Even the lawyers do" and I had lots of fun until I got to Thy. Thy what? It threw me, I missed the off-beat.

thy P Pronunciation Key (th)
adj. The possessive form of thou1.
Used as a modifier before a noun.

[Middle English, variant of thin, thine, from Old English thn. See tu- in Indo-European Roots.]

Verily, I was impaled upon this incongruity, utterly Byroned, totally Kiplinged, completely Shakespeared, and so as Pete continued to warble about the medical benefits of the herb, I started to wonder what literary sex practise was described herein. My english took on a life of most ancient carnal expectation, and I went to that most beautiful part of the Bible, top ranking, up there with the the Mad Professor's Beatitudes and the King Tubby and the Lord's Prayer - Song of Solomon:. Now here's some really sexy thy:

I have compared thee, O my love, to a company of horses in Pharaoh's chariots. Thy cheeks are comely with rows of jewels, thy neck with chains of gold. We will make thee borders of gold with studs of silver. While the king sitteth at his table, my spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof. A bundle of myrrh is my well-beloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts. My beloved is unto me as a cluster of camphire in the vineyards of Engedi. Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes. Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green. The beams of our house are cedar, and our rafters of fir. [snip] thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead. Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them. Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks. Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men. Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.

I would be so chuffed to find romantic religious material on a sex site. Do you think they really mean Thai? I hope not, how predictable that would be. Mind you, if you ordered Thai, and it turned out to be a recitation of the Song of Solomon in drag, would you complain? I think I feel a business idea coming on.