Blood From A Stone

The stone in this case is the receptionist at the doctors' surgery. I called yesterday, and trotted out the formula as instructed.

"Doctor M asked me to call her today and get the results of my blood test."

"Name?"

I gave it, spelling my surname.

"One moment please."

One moment = four and a half minutes of mobile moments. Ta tum te ta. The studio where I was working is at the top of a steep garden. I walked around, inspecting spiders, avoiding snails, finding dead moths. I whistled. I put the phone on speaker. I sat down, then back up again with a wet arse. I found and minutely inspected a grey mouse mat with a soft gel wrist support which had been left on a wooden table. I moved it slightly, looking at the dark dampness underneath.

"Hello?" came the voice, "Your results are not in file."

"What does that mean?" I asked. "You have them, but not with my medical notes, or you don't have them?"

"They are not in file," she repeated. I was making her uneasy with my questions. "When did you have the test?"

"Monday," I replied.

"We don't usually get them back for a week," she announced triumphantly.

"Well, why did Doctor M send me urgently to the hospital and ask me to call and speak to her at this time? I am confused..."

Truth is, I was not at all confused, but I have often found it useful to take on the role of the confused, when I am dealing with someone who is confused. Then, we are both confused. I have joined the confused in a solidarity of confusion, and this may help the confused to come out about their state of confusion. In this case, she said,

"They might be with the doctor."

"I see." I kept patient. After all, I was the patient. "Can you possibly find out? After all, she did specifically ask me to call."

"She has someone with her at the moment. Can you call back in twenty minutes?"

Twenty minutes later, I called back. No, the results were not there. Yes, I should keep my appointment for this morning.

In one hour, given that the surgery is still where I left it, and the doctor is in surgery, I shall have my blood pressure taken and then wait thirty minutes to get the lowdown, if there is a lowdown to get.

Good old National Health Service. It is free, you know.