I Feel Fine

No really, I do. Fascists are taking over the world and we're all doomed to starve, trapped inside a polluted, depleted ecosphere, but I do feel absolutely fine. Nothing can shake my fabulously good mood, because I know how to handle the situation:

Go with the flow



The flow is towards the sea, and so upon my small boat, I am carried down towards that great inevitable ocean, containing all things. The flow is to the peaks, and so upon my miraculous hang-glider, warm air currents float me upwards until I rest upon the smooth, breast-like surface of the welcoming mountain top, from where I may view the entire visible universe. Oh yes, the forces are no stranger to me, and I shall not resist them.

But I can do better than that. Witnessing the oncoming rise of the right in Britain, in this newly conservative world I now inhabit I've decided to anticipate this more punitive, curmudgeonly, old-fashioned, archaic, and fundamentally anti-celebratory culture by initiating a new regime of financial penalties for activities that are deemed to be herewith unacceptable.

As from today, there shall be non-appealable, mandatory, on-the-spot fines for:

• Public Nose-Picking - this habit is revolting, and people simply seem to have developed a complete lack of respect for public decency;


• The Playing of Loud Popular Music on Mobile Phones - opera will of course be exempt;


• The Wearing of Informal Clothing - outside of working class areas, and in all shopping centres and places of public assembly;


• The Making, Watching or Participating in So-Called "Reality" Television Shows - these set an entirely bad example to our young people and so will be replaced by coverage of Ascot, Badminton and other pre-eminent equestrian events;


• Frog Hunting - this torrid stain on our nation France must be stamped out!


• Sirens - police, ambulance, fire - all banned, to be replaced with the music of string quartets