When it comes down to it, I'm as vulnerable as the next freak, and especially at this time of year. Despite the increase in daylight hours, the occasional glory of bright sunlight, early spring flowers poking their heads up in the parks, I find myself trudging the flatline of the testosterone tundra with my eyes fixed on some imaginary destination, telling myself to believe, just believe, that there will be better times ahead.
My feelings are compounded by pain. About a week ago, I noticed a sudden sharp pain in the area of my left cheek, on the side of my head; within a few hours, I felt the bridge of my nose become so tender that merely touching the tip of my nose sent reverberations of agony through my skull. It felt like a spectacles injury, as if I'd been hit in the face by a football whilst wearing glasses.
Not having had any recent colds, and blessed with my customary dramatic imagination, I was alarmed, remembering the X files. I am sufficiently sane not to imagine that I had been abducted by aliens, but I did vividly recall the onset of a peculiar form of cancer which in various episodes caused Gillian Anderson's fabulous nose to drip darkly artistic blood.
Being in pain and feeling miserable brings on these kinds of fears. Knowing this, I back-tracked to the obvious: sinusitis. Cold weather and living in student digs without proper heating once gave me such regular and intense morning headaches that I thought I had a brain tumour. It is a weakness of mine, these resonant cavities of my skull. When I die, I wil leave instructions to make my head into a drum, taking my musical revenge on biology.
I decided to treat myself with painkillers, bought some aspirin, a menthol and pine oil-based inhalant, and stopped working so hard. I have allowed myself to sleep as much as I feel is needed. I have kept exercising, lessened the caffeine intake, paid good attention to diet, sensible stuff which seems slowly to be working. On Monday, I visited the doctors and came away with some hardcore anti-inflammatory spray, which delivers measured puffs of chemical into the inner recesses of my nasal cavity twice daily.
The pain leaves me and returns like a throbbing pendulum, but the severity seems to be diminishing slowly, and so my holistic self is now looking for the cause of this physical stress. When I step back and assess, it's clear that I am currently attempting too much at once, and like so many people, I am craving simplicity.
There are far too many tasks and challenges immediately before me to comfortably deal with. Usually this is a situation I relish, but right now, with the winter blues upon me, I lack the appetite to take them on. Mundane tasks regulate my life, delays, minor disappointments, human shortcomings, plus the onging struggle to achieve something worthwhile, and I am beginning to question my situation, perhaps more deeply than is justified. My normal buoyant optimism is flagging. No wonder my body is complaining. Something has to give, and I don't want it to be my health.
It seems that, for the moment at least, I just have to keep on top of things, remain calm, seek clarity. As the Tao says, sometimes the best action is taking no action. In the realm of my sinuses, however, that option is ruled out - too damn painful. And in the realm of work, I know I am going to have to rationalise. So, I've booked an acupuncture session for later today, and drawn up a list.
Taking a long, hard look at what I can do without, I'm going to start clearing some ground. It's easier said than done at this time of year, but I need to take the long-term view. I need to be the gardener of my life, and prepare the winter earth for summer blooms and autumn fruit. Later this year, I'll be pleased I did it now.
Labels: blues, earth, fruit, pain, winter
