Wank Holiday
A couple of days back, we were with some friends who are visiting London from a country far away where the sun always shines brightly and clouds are notable events. We were eating a delicious al fresco breakfast in the unconventional English sun, and they very kindly placed us on the sunny side of the table, so that our pale skin could receive the rays it needs to make sufficient vitamin D for the winter months. Conversation turned to the Notting Hill carnival which takes place over the late August public holiday. As I referred to it as the bank holiday, I observed a quizzical expression cross one of our visitor's faces.
Explain the meaning of this phrase, she asked. Bank Holiday?
Life is so much improved by the imagination. When people ask me innocent questions, there is a happy devil inside me - not such a bad devil, aiming to destroy you and steal your everlasting soul, more a small imp, who gleefully seizes upon the opportunity to plant ideas in fertile minds for the sake of entertainment. I'm with Bukowski who said that what people want is beautiful lies.
Thus, the Wank Holiday was born.
I explained that in this country, just as the Christians took all the Pagan holidays for their own, and built their patriarchal churches next to the growing green temples of the old Earth Goddesses, at one time, before sexual repression had been landed on these shores by that upstart middle-eastern import religion, self-pleasuring was accepted as a necessary human function.
Before the invention of physical shame, Wanking (aka masturbation) assisted in the smooth functioning of sexuality in all respects throughout society. It helps the individual to learn about their body, and find their own pleasure. Wanking prevents the build up of sexual frustration which can in extreme cases lead to sexual violence; it assists the attainment of fulfillment with unskilled but enthusiastic lovers; it calms the body before sleep; it helps in the treatment of migraine, depression and asthma.
Before priests and so-called righteous men (always men) arrived to blame women and burn unbelievers, wanking was normal, natural and celebrated. Each year, a great festival would be held to mark the scratch of the cosmic itch, with street parties, feasting, music and dance. People would dress up in costume and glorify the sexuality of the whole person, and for the period of carnival, the Wanking Queen and King would be crowned, parading, masquerading, but never invading, touching themselves but never each other, and the everyday behaviour of the human race was acceptable and all people were proud, until on the third day, costumes were removed, inhibitions flung to the wind, everyone would go to bed and have fabulous sex. Except those without partners, who of course, did what they always did, and had sex with themselves.
Is that not so much better than the truth? Which is that in the country where the the dollar was invented and pound sterling is King, for anyone to to take a break, the banks have to physically shut.
You know that thing you do with your hands? Very good.