Sex With A Bicycle

A 51 year old Scottish man has been found guilty of having sex with his bicycle and sentenced to three years probation and also placed on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

If Robert Stewart had known of Flann O'Brien's famous book, The Third Policeman, he might have thought twice about this intimacy. O'Brien's treatise, expounded by Sergeant Pluck, was that the laws of physics and the leeching of the atoms of one thing into another caused profound changes to occur in the physical make-up and the behaviour of individuals and objects.

The gross and net result of it is that people who spend most of their natural lives riding iron bicycles over the rocky roadsteads of this parish get their personalities mixed up with the personalities of their bicycle as a result of the interchanging of the atoms of each of them and you would be surprised at the number of people in these parts who nearly are half people and half bicycles.

O'Brien described how certain people would be seen leaning against walls and if moved, would simply clatter over and lie without being able to get up again. On the other hand, bicycles after a lifetime of proximity to humans, would take on human attributes, and become unreliable, wayward, even drunk.

I wonder whether horrified Sheriff Colin Miller had thought to pass the same judgement upon the bicycle. After all, it takes two wheels to tango.